A Totally True Story. Totally.

Oh man guys....and girls, because sexists are WRONG. I just had the absolute worse, terrible, awful day at the place where I spend most of my time during the day. Allow me to clarify because I can see some of you are looking at me a little awkwardly. You all know that when you’re a kid, some where around the ages of say 0-2 or something, that you have to go to a day care type of thing if your mother is useless.

At my day care today, not that I have ownership over it or anything, this creep/poopyhead named Tommy Von Youngbok, stole my cookie. It was one of those cookies that you can’t get in any store too. My mommy had to order specially from Paris. Damn thing cost 2 Euros too, which is like $68 or something.
Anyways, I was eating my cookie because it was snack time and everything ya know, and we had just finished with nap time so I was really hungry. Then this doofus drags his fat tokus over to my cubby, where I was enjoying my awesome cookie, then bludgeons me over the head and stole my cookie. I knew those pansy teachers that they have now weren’t going to do anything
So I just had to get revenge. So I followed him home to find out where he lived. That night I planned the greatest revenge ever to be known by mankind. The next morning I told my mommy that I was sick and so I got to stay home from day care. Around 2 O’clock or so, I asked my mommy to go to the store to get some formula. Little did she know however that the formula I wanted wasn't available anywhere so that would be sure to keep her busy for awhile. With her gone it was time to make my move.

I followed the route I had mapped out the day before to Tommy's house. I planted the TNT I had purchased from eBay on all the structure supports in his home and waited for him to arrive back home. It was strangely eerie how it all was. Was my plan really this fool proof? Did I fall for some type of trap?

To be blunt, it wasn’t a trap of any kind and I now have a warrant out for my arrest. So I guess it wasn’t completely fool proof. If I had just factored in the fact that everything I would have been doing would be “classified” as “illegal” then there’s no doubt that I would have gotten away with it.

Another One Bites The Dust.

If any one has ever been to Arizona, then they can surely appreciate this little tale. If you live in Arizona or have never been before then you probably won't find it all too great, doesn't bode very well for me then.

I think it goes without saying that almost all, if not most of you know what to do when a bear attacks you, when you're stranded on an island with big foot and what do when left in the desert to die by your best friend's brother's cousin. I only wish a certain Jake Tambernake had such a wealth of knowledge as all of you. Because you see almost all of that happened to Jake. Except for the bear attacks, being stranded with a mythical creature (sorry to destroy your hopes crazy people) but he was left in the desert to die. Although it wasn't by his cousin 67th removed. I think it was actually his parents, but details shemales.

When he got back from his "vacation" as it was called, no one was able to see him for awhile because they said the autopsy and body preparation would take a little bit longer then expected. When we finally got to see him, he was dressed up as his favorite superhero and was suspended from the ceiling and made to look like he was in a flying motion. It was a very powerful sight indeed.

The moral of the story of course is, always learn basic survival techniques because you never know when they might come in handy. That or don’t befriend people with a lack moral system. Or you might have to attend the weirdest/sweetest funeral.

This whole ordeal leads me to start to think what my funeral would be like. Not that I’m gonna die or anything. I made sure of that.
I started to imagine the type of people that would possibly show up. My schoolmates, My family, arch enemies, George W. Bush? Then I began thinking about what type of funerals it would be. Would it be one of those sad sad affairs where everyone is just balling like a little baby? Or would it be the one where everyone wants to get out, even the preacher? It could even be one of those new fangled atheist funerals, where the people just dump the body into the ground and then turn the grave into a giant fire pit where they have a BBQ. That’s how the atheists go about things, right?

If you’re having your funeral soon or if you’re attending one, be sure to be a nice person and let me join along. This isn’t intended to come off as rude or anything but I think those things are just loads of fun. Especially when the person who passed was an exceptionally awful person, which makes whoever is speaking the funniest man on earth, because they always say some almost, inane things. Like, “oh poor poor Robert. He was very good at being able to get the lid off of any pickle jar, and whenever any of the neighborhood children came around to play near the house, he would always purposefully not shoot and kill them.”
Man, those things get me every time.

“Oh My God, You Are So Funny.”

“Have you ever thought of becoming a professional comedian? Oh Yeah, that’s right, you’re the all powerful god and overseer of the human race. Hey, just a thought, but have you ever thought of maybe a career change of some sort, I mean because you have been at this whole “God” thing for awhile now.”

The question has been asked since the dawn of man. Or maybe it was the dusk of man. Scientists haven’t been able to figure that one out yet. That question being whether or not God has a sense of humor. For the sake of this discussion, lets just all assume that I’m referring to the “real one”. You know, Christianities. Because I do not have the time or religious patience to take into account all those “other ones”. And don’t even get me started on Hinduism.

God not being an actual human, one could make the assumption that He doesn’t share the same emotion, a funny bone if you will, as us humans. Others could make a counter argument of sorts that since man was created in his image that he would in fact have it. The fact that laughter itself doesn’t really serve a purpose could also mean something. Maybe we just don’t understand yet it’s true purpose because it’s an other worldly or even Godly expression. Some would say though that my unwavering devotion to the Man down under would have an affect on how I perceive this. But that’s something I would rather not dwell upon. I myself like to believe that He does in fact have a “Sense of Humor”. Only that his is far superior then ours. I like to think that His is an enhanced version of British humor.

But hey, what do I know right? It’s not like my father, THE Lafayette Ronald Hubbard, created the greatest religion known to modern man or anything. I don’t know about you, but if the greatest America actor of all time says that it’s the best religion well then gosh darned it, it’s the best and you would do well to remember that. Granted, I’m not 100% positive what the repercussions would be if you didn’t agree. I guess a really horrible movie.

Since this world is one of his creations then one would think that some signs of his humor would be apparent and you would be right. Like the duckbill platypus for example. To be able to even consciously allow such a thing to exist has to be evidence of some sick humor.



Seriously. That's just silly.

Many may not know this but the predecessor of the platypus was the Dodo bird, but that joke was starting to get stale so it ended. So alike the sitcom, He took the same formula, a ridiculously useless creature that looks like complete shite and something that not even a connoisseur of animal pelts would want, and tweaked a little. If anyone wants to do their homework, then they would find that the first known sighting of a platypus was after the Dodo bird was confirmed extinct and if any one has ever happened to see a Dodo after that point then chances are it was a fake.

There are much more subtle things then a funny looking animal, that’s a great substitute for turkey, to prove His humor. For example, have you ever witnessed a car accident and not giggled?
Let’s give it a try.

Hahahaha, sorry I lost if there for a minute.

Anyways, have you also ever stopped and thought about how weird and somewhat comical a coincidence is? See, isn’t that weird? Take some time to ponder events in your life and you’re bound to remember something that has happened to you that you really had no control over but made you laugh. Like a really unfortunate turn of events or something. Like being mugged on your way to a job interview that could have been your potential career. Something that was so God awful that you couldn’t help but laugh at the situation, after you got done crying of coarse.

Without all of the deaths, natural disasters are the best closer. Not because of how much damage is being done to one place leaving that area in complete shambles, physically and economically. But because of all the irony that surrounds it. That's why I always shake my head to the people that don't understand how "He could let this happen". Because he was bored and wanted to have a little fun. I know the first time you hear that, it sounds like an awful thing to think or even say, but you have to look at it from his point of view. And when you do figure out what his point of view is could you do me a favor and tell me? Thanks.

To get to the real bottom of this, I decided to ask someone who would know the best, and so I asked His son, Jesus at his help column/blog.

I was wondering if your father, God, has a sense of humor? I just can't imagine such.....wonderful guy not having one. If you'd rather not go into moments or events that weren't worth remembering, then I can understand.

Mike

Dearest Mike,

My dad actually does have a pretty good sense of humor - especially when he's been into the scotch. Ever hear of a little group called the Southern Baptists? Yep. One of his favorite drunken pranks.

My Love (and scotch),
JHC.


If any of you would like to check the validity of this, be my guest. No really, see for yourself.

It seems that he said it pretty well. If you still don't believe that He does have a sense of humor though then all I can hope for your sake, is that hopefully Satan has a sense of humor that doesn't involve torture.

America's Dead.

Lately, I've had something that's been on my mind and since I have a blog I figured this would be the best place to express that idea. At least I’m hoping that this is the case.

Why is America so obsessed with death?

No; now hear me out. We are allowed by law to go out and kill and be killed before we are allowed to get slaphappy drunk. I understand that sounds a little like complaining, but believe me it isn't. I'm just trying to point out that before we're allowed to partay we can legally kill someone anyway we see fit, but only if they’re a “threat to our security”. I don't know why, but I find that interesting.

The entire history of America and all of its morals are based on the death and sacrifices of our "fore fathers", not to mention all the deaths of our fore fathers enemies.
For goodness sake, easily more than half of this country has their very own death penalty. Not a fact, just assuming.

Let’s not forget our strange attraction with violence. I'm going to bet you all, that if you were to turn on your televisions right now or get on the internet at this very moment, you are guaranteed to see some senseless act of violence being committed. Some of it though may not be "evil", but last time I checked kicking someone in the face while in a ring with people screaming and for some reason cheering all around you is still considered violence no matter how many people call it a “sport”.
(Warning. You may want to turn your sound off/down for this)


This happenes to bring up another good point. Dieing is also considered a form of entertainment for some. Take, for instance, any piece of horror (fiction), be it a movie, book or game. There is even an entire subgenre of metal completely devoted to dieing. Try and guess what the name of it is. If you guessed death metal then you are right. Leave it to the metalheads to come up with such an original name. If any of you would like to hear your self some of that, you can go on over to the Download Full Metal Albums blog. There’s guaranteed, not by the blogger mind you, to be something there to peek your fancy.

But maybe this isn't just another example as to why America may not be as great of a country as people say. Maybe death and everything involved with it like war and what not, is just part of human nature. I don’t know all about that and I sure as heck am not going to begin some philosophical reflection on the subject. Not because I can't, but more that I would end up sounding like some 17 year old that is just now figuring this all out to exist, and I don't want that.
But hey, don't let my lack of understanding stop you from continuing on with this, because it sure is a dandy of one and I would hate to see it go to waste.

Getting Two Birds With At Least Three Stones.

If any of you happened to be around during the time of "Reagan’s Rein", then please do us all a favor and leave now. No, don't ask questions. It just would be too difficult to do anything with you here, for obvious reasons.

With that taken care of, I wanted to talk a little about growing up. I mean past childhood, past adolescence. I mean, growing up to an elderly age. I don't know what society labels as "old" anymore, but as long as your house contains only 3-5 technologic "marvels" then your an old fogey. Afraid to say it. Of coarse there are exceptions though. Like if you're too poor to own anything and what not. Granted you are still not a contributing member to society but at least your not going to die in a few more days.

I just want to say before I continue that I'm not one of these "old people", but I have seen more then one, on more then one occasion. I've found that if you kneel in a dark corner and make little to no movement and or sound, then they usually wont acknowledge that your there. Just don't let one catch you however, because then the sirens are alerted and it's just not good times after that. Luckily they aren't as nimble as they once thought they were. So you should have no trouble escaping.

Which leads me to my next point, and that point being popcorn. Don't you just hate it when your out on the town and your enjoying a thrilling movie and what not, so you decide to treat yourself to a nice bucket or tub, which ever fits your fancy, of popcorn. Only to have every kernel become lodged in your gums? Then instead of paying attention to the movie that you paid $13.50 to watch, your picking away viciously at your gums until you start bleeding. Then you have to leave the movie theater for immediate dental care. Just a bad day in general.

Anyways, the reason I bring up popcorn and all it’s horrendousness, is because it is the #1 weakness of all elderly, with steep stairs coming in at a close second and bears, those damn bears, in at thrid. So I say, instead of wasting all those priceless bullets, just give them a few tubs of popcorn and watch the fun.

Now I’m not saying I want to kill all the old people or any thing. Because that’s…..wrong and stuff. It’s just that they’re so useless and it would just be better for everyone to get rid of them. That’s all. I mean for goodness sake they are stealing my money and everyone seems to be ok with it, for the most part. I'm just not going to have it and I'm putting my foot down so to speak.