**Have You Ever Heard Little Red Riding Hood.....On Weed?**

Hey kids, today we have a story about a little cherry bear named Little Cherry Bear Ann Jenkins. But, his friends just called him LCBAJ for short. But for our purposes, we'll just refer to him as Cherry.

Well, Cherry was out in the cannabis patch, getting ready for another farming season when his mother called him into the house. When he was finally done preparing the crops and went in, his mother handed him 43.57 and told him to pick something up from the store for his aunt. However, Little Cherry had little to no idea what he was to get, so he started to leave, intent on using the money for the removal of his tumor. But then his mother told him that he would find clues about what to get for his aunt. It looked like Cherry would just have to keep fighting a little longer.

Lucky for Cherry's aunt, Cherry enjoyed a good mystery especially tough ones that took a lot of thought, perseverance, determination and intelligence. Unfortunately, the clue was a post-it note that his mom gave him, which told him to go the super store and get some soft hard candy for his aunt, hopefully to cure her raging STDs.

Cherry had to travel through the forest of banished fairies so he could get to the store, which was located adjacent to the mall and perpendicular to the strip mall. Unfortunately, Cherry had smoked a blunt before leaving so instead of heading to the store and buying the magic candy, he instead, wandered into an alley and fell asleep in a pile of garbage. This led to his aunt never receiving the candy, thus dying of an over infestation of crabs. Cherry was also mugged and raped in the alley.

So, the moral of the story is, don't do drugs or your skanky aunt will die. So the real moral of the story, don't have a sexual encounter with your STD ridden aunt without some form of protection, preferably, cow hide. That way everything will be smooth sailings. GOOOOO Incest.


"Mr.Merry-Go-Round, I think there may be something seriously wrong with you. I recommend some sort of doctor to look at you, maybe a therapist. It looks like you have had some serious problems growing up. It seems you have quite a few emotional scars." All I have to say to all you people with your feelings and concerns is, please read the disclaimer at the top. It says right there in the ancient German, that none of the things here reflect the views of the author. And if you are too ignorant to realize that the title is a reference to Half Baked, specifically the scene containing the god, Jon Stewart, then please do something along the lines of dislodging yourself from the material world. Well that seems like a nice way to end things. A threat to my already limited audience.

Hard Day At The Job.

In the news today, a great white was found off the coast of the Antarctic. He was brought in for the possession of questionable material. When asked about the items in question, the shark had this to say “I’m just holding them for my good friend, Buddy who’s out on vacation”. The authorities were aware of the definite lie that was told because it was common knowledge that this shark had no friends and still lived with his mother. Which is a poor sight indeed, just ask my mother. When the shark’s attorney was questioned, he had this to say, “I don’t know why they are targeting my client, when it’s all his friends junk.” The reporters, when hearing this, all broke out into a fit of laughter. The friend in question could not be reached for questioning.
OH! You know what that loud shrieking, ear deafening sound is right? That sound means it’s time for our slogan of the week. This weeks slogan is from Alzheimer’s Medication and Therapy. Their slogan, “When you need to know your name, we got you covered.” O. It brings tears to my now desolate ducts.
In other news today, Yugoslavian prime minister, untranslatable into english, was found guilty in the Brazilian courts this week for the decapitation of his deceased pet, Furball. What freaks…the Yugoslavians are.
Now with sports, our own Jon Jacklebarrysmit.
:Hey Alex, well today was a fabulous day in sports. First, we have an interview with league MPV Mar…
:Thank you Jon for that wonderful report. In other news tonight, Sherry Ann was finally found…
:Hey, what the hell, I’m still suppose to talk about the NBA finals and we have this funny little thing with steroids. I mean, I still got like 15 minutes here.
:Exactly
:You know what. F U Alex. F U
:Well Jon, I would hit you up with a “that’s what she said” but that would make entirely no sense. O, alright, I’m being told to keep this coco train a moving. So, here’s your local meteorologist, Kenny Burnstein with the weather.
:How ya’s doin Alex.
:Hey Ken. Well, I see that you still have that English problem.
:Um…sure. Well, tha weathea…won’t be presented for yous guys todaee because the station has again, neglected my need fo a Doppla Rader, green screen and map. Things, essential for a weather report. So it’s weird that I don’t have them.
:Well, maybe better luck next time. And Ken, I’ve wanted to ask you, how exactly did you become a meteorologist?
:You really have to ask this over the air?
:Yes
:I went to college. Like most other meteorologist.
:O really. I always thought that you were some bum that sort of just wandered into the station asking for a job and that’s why they gave you the worst job here. Huh. My bad then I guess. Well that wraps up this weeks broadcast. Thanks for watching and have a pleasant….Wait, Jon what are you doing?…No, don’t do this, I mean you have your whole life ahead of you and what about Jane? What would she do with me…with you gone. We can make a deal here can’t we. For goodness sake, we’re on national television right now. You can’t just kill me. O…maybe you can.


"Mr.Hillkilln, What is going on. Before you had stuff that was ok but not funny at all. This had me actually laughing. What did you do?" To all you critics all I have to say is, It's unimaginable how little the amount of drugs you need to tweek out. I recommend 15mls of KFBT. Just be prepared for a fun time.

Bionuclear Mutation.

I just thought these pics were awesome and needed to be shown to the world, so other people could enjoy the pure enjoyment that is created when viewed.

**Forever Young.**

Here is a transcript of a live taping of the hit show "Happy Fun Time Party Jam" on the Dang Huu network.

Hello and welcome to another broadcast of Happy Fun Time Party Jam, where the fun never stops not happening. O and look our first call....5 seconds into the program, alright.

"Hello, O hey Bill". Guess what, on the phone with us right now is my boss Billard Wilkins. "Hm, what’s that Bill?...um what....what would make you ask that silly question. What, no I just don't know anyone who asks those kind of question...to anyone. No sir, I’m not playing dumb with you. What! Isn't your daughter only like 17 or something. 10. O. well, either way she’s still pretty young. NO. C’mon that’s just crazy! Well yeah. That is a pretty good point. Now c'mon, are you really gonna believe what that douche says? O NO. Yeah, I can't really remember what happened to be honest with you. There may have been alcohol there, but who really know. amirite. No I don't know. You can talk about this all day but the fact of the matter is, I did nothing with her and I think you know that. Look Mr. Wilkins, I'm really busy, I gotta go." Sonofabit...."No honey that wasn't your father, now just go back to bed. I'll be there in a minute". O stop crying.

"Um.... Mr. Jellycircus, I've got to admit, that gave me a slight chuckle but, it made me feel really uncomfortable and I don't feel very good after reading it. What did you do to me?" What did I do to you, you ask. How am I suppose to know, I'm not a doctor with some type of fake degree acquired from an unregistered overseas school in Russia because I don't even speak Russian. And to all you critics with your morals and values who say that "this is immoral" and "these aren't very good values". All I have to say is.... I can do worse.

The REAL Essence of Awesome.

One day, on a sunny Saturday night, the koala bear named Frank Ebicanezzer Greenfiled Merryman Joeseph, arrived to his destination of Mapleton, Texas, where his girlfriend, the amazing, Pepper Ann Margaret Thatcher the chipmunk, was waiting on his arrival. However, what she didn't know was..was that Frank had hired a pro hitman to axe Pepper for her insurance for Frank had lost in a game of craps for he is but a Koala.

He needed 140,000.87 in order to survive the gangsta mobsters and to pay for the hitman he had hired. Well, Pepper was watching a new episode of The Office, when she heard a knock at her front door. Of coarse she thought it was Frank. But in fact it was Allen Williams Hitchcock, the hired hitman. However, this was not his first choice as a career. He dreamt of being a vetanarian who took care of children with cancer. But things took a turn for the worst and he ended up a hitman.

Well, she let him in the house being a well devote Jehovah witness and all. He told her that he was a dear friend of Frank and wanted to know if he could stay and wait for him and asked if he could use the bathroom. She said "darn tootin you can use that there lav" Pepper wasn't southern mind you but, the unneccassrily large amount of time watching "Paula's home cooking" on food network, had created one.

In the car, which was located in an abritary unlocated locarion, Frank was calling Allen and asked if he was in position for the operation. When Allen replied with "yes'm" for Allen also enjoyed the culinary excellence of Paula, Frank hung up immediately for he was with a cheap Brazilian hooker named Barberina Gouchen. Her greatest dream was one of happy days and bright sun. But when she decided not to watch Arrested Development which has its Series Finale Friday, Feb 10th on fox, and the fact that she killed a German cop, for Barb was actually German, but with a good tan and magnificent plastic surgery, done by Dr. Anderson who can be found on the corner of 156th and 256 in down town NY, anything is possible.

Well, with being hanged up on so abruptly and feeling flustered, Allen reached the point where he didn't want to go through with the "operation" coded "operation: easy fly through murky days in the waters on Florida". He then remembered why, why he was doing this and that heart worming reason being.....cuz he was a freaking cold blooded killer with a hankerin for killing and a slight attraction to the opposite sex.

Look. I'm running late for a party so, Allen killed pepper, got away with it and then moved to whyoming where he killed himself because of lonliness. All the other characters forgot about everything that happened and lived happily ever after.

"Mr.Sexypants. This is pretty awesome. However it makes no sense" To you skepticss, I say. fibble dibble who whooo nanny foo now give the dog an onion and stop your belly aching on the planet of cratos. Now what doesn't make sense. Choose carefully. I dare you.