BFF

-Hey your back. Did something happen to you while you were in there?

-No. I just saw someone I knew. You remember Arthur?

-Yeah. The guy from the Catalog thing right.

-Yep. That’s the one.

-So how’s he doing?

-Oh. I don’t know. I just said hi to him. I’m actually not sure if it was really him. But it did look like him.
So, is this a good restaurant?

-Yeah. I like it. I usually come here a lot with Stacy.

-Oh yeah. How is she doing by the way?

-She’s doing pretty well. She just got offered a job at the shop down the road from that one store. You know the one that sells those disgusting antique miniatures?

-Yeah. That place makes me choke by just being near it.

-Well she now works at the store just down the road from there.

-Well that’s great for her.
Does it usually take this long for the food to come?

-I know. I think it’s been about 20 minutes so far.

-Oh here it comes.

-Great. Your gonna love what you got by the way.

-I sure hope so.
Wow. Is this what it’s suppose to look like?

-Um, well it did look a little different last time I had it. But it looks ok for the most part.

-What if it was like, poisoned and when I ate it I just died right here. How funny would that be?

-Except for the you not living part, yeah, it would be kind of funny.

-But how much would that suck if that actually did happen?

-Haha. That would suck pretty bad.

-Haha. That’s almost as bad as being killed by your best friend or something

-Hahahah yeah, just about……wait. You don’t have anything planned do you? Hahaha just kidding.

-Uh…what? Haha, of coarse not.

-Ok, yeah. that’s what I thought. But, let's just say you do. How would you do it?

-Um lets see…um…well I’d have to drug you first. Probably when we’re both at party or something.

-Like the one Carrie is throwing this weekend

-Yeah, I guess that would probably work.
Anyways, at the party I’d probably spike your drink with something that’ll just knock you right out. Those shouldn’t be that hard to find. I’d probably volunteer as designated driver for you too, so that I could drive you home that night.
Then with you knocked out, I’d tie some ropes to your legs that were attached to some cinder blocks. I’d then drive out to the lake, you know the one on 92. And down you would go.

-wait, what……

-Yeah. But, that’s a pretty long drive all the way down to the lake. So I would probably have to stop off for gas on the way. And probably just to end the night, I’d get one of those delicious hoagies. You know the ones I’m talking about. The ones on 15th. Aren’t they great. Anyways…I’d eat one of those while I watched you drown. O shoot, that would mean though that I’ll need something to drink. Well I can probably get something while I pick up the hoagie. But I don’t think those pills will be cheap. So…how am I going to pay for all that food and stuff.
Aren’t the hoagies something like, 9 bucks right? Hey umm, you wouldn’t mind maybe…letting me hold a few bucks would you?
Wait. Where are you going. I hope you don’t think that lunch is on me again…that no good…always sticking me with the bill. Well I got something for you *cheesy one liner*

These Kids Today.

Around the area where I live, my community if you will, there are quite a bit of some ill guided children. I’m afraid that they are going to grow up and live miserable worthless lives. So I’ve decided that these kids aren‘t going to go anywhere without some type of guidance and have placed it upon myself to aid in there struggle with life. In the hopes that they might try and strive for something better then what they are destined for. So I have decided to use some examples from my own life so they can get a feel for what it’s like in the real world. But for some reason, I’m not sure that I’ll be able to really connect with them. Well, I guess there’s no point in not trying.

Since last time we’ve talked, I’ve been able to chat with a few of my communities youth. Unfortunately, I’m still a little up in the air as to the effectiveness of my talks. Luckily, I was able to have one of those new travel stenographers accompany me so that I could later examine what I said in the hopes that I could improve. Also, if anyone has any pointers or even compliments. Please feel free to give them. Because these youths need all the help they can get. Well here is the speech I gave to a little boy named Charlie, don’t really know his last name. But he lives in my apartment complex so I thought he would be pretty easy to reach.

Hey, how’s is going boy-O. Charlie right? Well close enough. I was wondering if I could maybe have a little chat with you for a moment. No you haven’t done anything wrong, why would you think that? I just want to have a chat is all. Look we can go down to the pub if you’ll feel more comfortable. No. Okay, well at least come up to my place.

Sorry about the mess. I have some people staying over. Ok, this should only take a moment.
So, your only about what 5, 6.….Or would you rather not say? Well that’s okay. Your young is the point I’m trying to make. Alright, so being one of today’s youths must bring a lot of problems, right? Sometimes you feel as if you really don’t know where you’re going to end up. I was once your age so I can relate. That’s why I invited you up here, to help you get your life on the path to success. Here, take some mini snickers. They are delicious. I’m still amazed they were able to place so much caramel goodness in such small bite sized portions. Which leads me to my next point,

You as a young man, I presume, will get a lot of different urges. And must find a way to fulfill them all. Luckily for us however, there is an entire business out there, were it’s sole purpose is to quell that thirst, that urge for lust. It can be quite useful for someone like yourself, with not that much experience, someone who is still relatively new to the world. Or to someone who has a wife and is not in the very least pleased with her. Yeah she cooks and cleans, takes care of the kids and does all the things that’s associated with her job. But she never takes time out for her husband. She just lets him rot away. And she wonders why we got the divorce. And apparently she still thinks, somewhere in that thick head of hers that she won just because she got the kids.

Anyways, this special business I was talking about can also be used for someone who is, after a messy divorce, now alone and doesn’t have any social skills to speak of. But this priceless commodity isn‘t all fun and giggles. There are a few things that you need to be aware of. Which leads me to the real reason of our discussion.

Trickery, yes trickery. It exists even as you get older. And is even more noticeable in this world of HIV and single mothers. Don’t look at me like that. It’s true. For example. Say you were with one of these…..illegal doctors of pleasure, who you thought was named Michelle, but was actually called Michael. And believe me that’s a situation you do not want to get yourself into. My advice. Ask. Always ask. I don't care if it's a definite women. Always ask. It doesn't even have to be that straight forward. You could be a bit ambiguous about it if you wanted to. You could go with something like, “so miss, got anything betwixt your thighs I should know about.” Now I know that may sound a bit rude but, I’ve saved myself that from that special surprise at least 27 times now. Believe me, one time is plenty. Just imagine if you will, coming home from the pub, you know, you and your partner for the evening are having a night out and you bring her back to your place. And you’ve been drinking quite a bit that night and so things are moving a little too fast and you miss a few signs here and there. Like the adams apple, the bulge and the man hands. As the night progresses, things start to happen that you didn’t anticipate and somehow you end up facing the wall with your lady, or at least what you thought was a lady, friend behind you and that’s when you realize, a bit too late, that you made a grave mistake. One of which has haunted you to this day.

You know what Charlie, I’m glad we could have this talk. It really helped me be able to get some stuff that was tearing away at my soul, off my chest. So if you ever need anyone to talk to about anything. Even if it doesn’t involve a prostitute in drag. I’m right here so come talk to me. Also, if you have any friends who want to come and talk, I’ll be right here. But right now I have to leave. I have a psychiatrist appointment that I have to run off to.

For Your Own Benefit.

They is sort of in line with the last post. But we decided to create one all it's own anyways.

Well, some of you(no one) may remember that last time we met, we made General Greireg our mascot or the person who would be the vision of The Essence Of Awesome. So mascot. However thanks to a lot of help from some outside sources. We have some brand new entries for The Essence Of Awesome. If you would like to use these for any purpose involving the advertising of the site. Please be my guest and use it.





Also, because I feel it to be my civic duty, I shall never post any thing like this if I can help it. Sorry

Public Service Announcement.

The crew here at The Essence Of Awesome have finally determined our mascot to be the one and only. General Kerling Greireg. In case you do not know who he is, there is a pic of him at the bottom. Some(no one) may remember him from Bionuclear Mutation. Now we just have to figure out why we needed a mascot in the first place. If anyone has any suggestions as to what to do with it or even a better mascot. Feel free to give one. For a small fee of coarse.

**Jeffrey Tate's Journal Entry 07/13/01.**

A few weeks ago yesterday, I was going to be throwing one of my exclusive themed parties. Some may call them “drug get downs”. But, I was faced with rather difficult dilemma. It seemed as if I didn’t have enough party favors to accommodate the guests that I would be having. I think it needs to be stated before I continue, that I’m not alluding to, with the italics and quotation marks, anything legal. I just thought, that all of that may have confused some people.
I also only had around 45 minutes before the party. So I had to act fast and SWIFT. If I still wanted to get my fix….of fun and excitement.

Luckily there was a market only a couple minutes from my…well it wasn’t really a house nor was it mine. So place of residence. But, thanks to some questionable construction choices by my town, it would have taken me about, a hour an half to get to the market which would not have been very good. However, thanks to a pleasant shortcut through a deserted graveyard or what most people would call a desert, it's only about a 3 minute walk.

I’ve never really known exactly why the land is referred to as a graveyard when there’s no one there, living or dead. I believe it has something to do with the fact that about 3 and a half years ago there was a slew of murders committed on the land where females, mostly under the age of 21, were found mangled and tortured. They never did catch the culprit. And ever since then, any one who traveled across the land went mysteriously missing. As if there is a way to go missing unmysteriously. Or at least, this is what the crazy hippy told me.

So It's always suggested nay authorized that if you decide to travel through the graveyard, which is the only reasonable way into town, other then the catapult, that you be in the company of a fellow traveler. Well I have never have been one to follow rules very well, so I ventured in alone, unassisted and oddly enough. Really scared. I would soon come to realize that my rebellious 'tude, was not one of a beneficial nature. So I began to walk through the cold, desolate, bleak graveyard and reached the exit in around 3 1/2 minuets. Got the things I needed and came back and threw a pretty ridiculously awesome party…….....O wait you, you thought that there was going to be some kind of horrific tragedy or some forlorn accident while I traveled through the graveyard. Yes...now that I look back at it, it does seem like that would have most likely happened. The description of the graveyard, retelling the history of the graveyard. Even calling the slap of land a graveyard. Yep, certain death did seem inevitable. But um.....no.

I really would like to apologize though for doing such a cruel thing. You probably had your popcorn out ready for some tale of ghosts and the undead and maybe some dismemberment if you were lucky. I feel really bad about this, and I've done some pretty unspeakable things. But why not at least speak about some of them. Let's see....I got a good one. Now this, as of the moment, is purely hearsay but, I once impregnated someone who may not have been legal. But to my defense we were both drunk so don't go waving your finger quite yet.

What's another good one. Um.....no not that one. I'm not even sure I can say that on the internet. And this is the internet. Was fun though. There was also the time I....relieved myself on a children’s choir. And in an attempt to keep it out of the open I, well lets just say I made sure any one around was taking care of. In my defense however, it was quite early in the morning and I had been drinking for the past 6 hours or so. So I was in no shape to walk home or perform any physical activity involving my alcohol saturated body.

That last one, I actually never got into any trouble over. So no one knew of it prior to me telling it.

I know this may seem like an odd change of pace of sorts, but to anyone reading this. Could I have your home address and the times that you are most vulnerable. If anyone has a problem or some kind of inquiry as to why I would require such information, I would love if you could contact me so that we could maybe meet in a more private, deserted setting. I know of a great little spot of land near to where live that would be perfect.

The "critic" who usually occupies this space could not be reached due to unexpected events. We here at the site, just want to wish his family good luck on dealing with their crisis and hope that he can pull through. Which I don't think will be happening.