“Oh My God, You Are So Funny.”

“Have you ever thought of becoming a professional comedian? Oh Yeah, that’s right, you’re the all powerful god and overseer of the human race. Hey, just a thought, but have you ever thought of maybe a career change of some sort, I mean because you have been at this whole “God” thing for awhile now.”

The question has been asked since the dawn of man. Or maybe it was the dusk of man. Scientists haven’t been able to figure that one out yet. That question being whether or not God has a sense of humor. For the sake of this discussion, lets just all assume that I’m referring to the “real one”. You know, Christianities. Because I do not have the time or religious patience to take into account all those “other ones”. And don’t even get me started on Hinduism.

God not being an actual human, one could make the assumption that He doesn’t share the same emotion, a funny bone if you will, as us humans. Others could make a counter argument of sorts that since man was created in his image that he would in fact have it. The fact that laughter itself doesn’t really serve a purpose could also mean something. Maybe we just don’t understand yet it’s true purpose because it’s an other worldly or even Godly expression. Some would say though that my unwavering devotion to the Man down under would have an affect on how I perceive this. But that’s something I would rather not dwell upon. I myself like to believe that He does in fact have a “Sense of Humor”. Only that his is far superior then ours. I like to think that His is an enhanced version of British humor.

But hey, what do I know right? It’s not like my father, THE Lafayette Ronald Hubbard, created the greatest religion known to modern man or anything. I don’t know about you, but if the greatest America actor of all time says that it’s the best religion well then gosh darned it, it’s the best and you would do well to remember that. Granted, I’m not 100% positive what the repercussions would be if you didn’t agree. I guess a really horrible movie.

Since this world is one of his creations then one would think that some signs of his humor would be apparent and you would be right. Like the duckbill platypus for example. To be able to even consciously allow such a thing to exist has to be evidence of some sick humor.



Seriously. That's just silly.

Many may not know this but the predecessor of the platypus was the Dodo bird, but that joke was starting to get stale so it ended. So alike the sitcom, He took the same formula, a ridiculously useless creature that looks like complete shite and something that not even a connoisseur of animal pelts would want, and tweaked a little. If anyone wants to do their homework, then they would find that the first known sighting of a platypus was after the Dodo bird was confirmed extinct and if any one has ever happened to see a Dodo after that point then chances are it was a fake.

There are much more subtle things then a funny looking animal, that’s a great substitute for turkey, to prove His humor. For example, have you ever witnessed a car accident and not giggled?
Let’s give it a try.

Hahahaha, sorry I lost if there for a minute.

Anyways, have you also ever stopped and thought about how weird and somewhat comical a coincidence is? See, isn’t that weird? Take some time to ponder events in your life and you’re bound to remember something that has happened to you that you really had no control over but made you laugh. Like a really unfortunate turn of events or something. Like being mugged on your way to a job interview that could have been your potential career. Something that was so God awful that you couldn’t help but laugh at the situation, after you got done crying of coarse.

Without all of the deaths, natural disasters are the best closer. Not because of how much damage is being done to one place leaving that area in complete shambles, physically and economically. But because of all the irony that surrounds it. That's why I always shake my head to the people that don't understand how "He could let this happen". Because he was bored and wanted to have a little fun. I know the first time you hear that, it sounds like an awful thing to think or even say, but you have to look at it from his point of view. And when you do figure out what his point of view is could you do me a favor and tell me? Thanks.

To get to the real bottom of this, I decided to ask someone who would know the best, and so I asked His son, Jesus at his help column/blog.

I was wondering if your father, God, has a sense of humor? I just can't imagine such.....wonderful guy not having one. If you'd rather not go into moments or events that weren't worth remembering, then I can understand.

Mike

Dearest Mike,

My dad actually does have a pretty good sense of humor - especially when he's been into the scotch. Ever hear of a little group called the Southern Baptists? Yep. One of his favorite drunken pranks.

My Love (and scotch),
JHC.


If any of you would like to check the validity of this, be my guest. No really, see for yourself.

It seems that he said it pretty well. If you still don't believe that He does have a sense of humor though then all I can hope for your sake, is that hopefully Satan has a sense of humor that doesn't involve torture.

America's Dead.

Lately, I've had something that's been on my mind and since I have a blog I figured this would be the best place to express that idea. At least I’m hoping that this is the case.

Why is America so obsessed with death?

No; now hear me out. We are allowed by law to go out and kill and be killed before we are allowed to get slaphappy drunk. I understand that sounds a little like complaining, but believe me it isn't. I'm just trying to point out that before we're allowed to partay we can legally kill someone anyway we see fit, but only if they’re a “threat to our security”. I don't know why, but I find that interesting.

The entire history of America and all of its morals are based on the death and sacrifices of our "fore fathers", not to mention all the deaths of our fore fathers enemies.
For goodness sake, easily more than half of this country has their very own death penalty. Not a fact, just assuming.

Let’s not forget our strange attraction with violence. I'm going to bet you all, that if you were to turn on your televisions right now or get on the internet at this very moment, you are guaranteed to see some senseless act of violence being committed. Some of it though may not be "evil", but last time I checked kicking someone in the face while in a ring with people screaming and for some reason cheering all around you is still considered violence no matter how many people call it a “sport”.
(Warning. You may want to turn your sound off/down for this)


This happenes to bring up another good point. Dieing is also considered a form of entertainment for some. Take, for instance, any piece of horror (fiction), be it a movie, book or game. There is even an entire subgenre of metal completely devoted to dieing. Try and guess what the name of it is. If you guessed death metal then you are right. Leave it to the metalheads to come up with such an original name. If any of you would like to hear your self some of that, you can go on over to the Download Full Metal Albums blog. There’s guaranteed, not by the blogger mind you, to be something there to peek your fancy.

But maybe this isn't just another example as to why America may not be as great of a country as people say. Maybe death and everything involved with it like war and what not, is just part of human nature. I don’t know all about that and I sure as heck am not going to begin some philosophical reflection on the subject. Not because I can't, but more that I would end up sounding like some 17 year old that is just now figuring this all out to exist, and I don't want that.
But hey, don't let my lack of understanding stop you from continuing on with this, because it sure is a dandy of one and I would hate to see it go to waste.

Getting Two Birds With At Least Three Stones.

If any of you happened to be around during the time of "Reagan’s Rein", then please do us all a favor and leave now. No, don't ask questions. It just would be too difficult to do anything with you here, for obvious reasons.

With that taken care of, I wanted to talk a little about growing up. I mean past childhood, past adolescence. I mean, growing up to an elderly age. I don't know what society labels as "old" anymore, but as long as your house contains only 3-5 technologic "marvels" then your an old fogey. Afraid to say it. Of coarse there are exceptions though. Like if you're too poor to own anything and what not. Granted you are still not a contributing member to society but at least your not going to die in a few more days.

I just want to say before I continue that I'm not one of these "old people", but I have seen more then one, on more then one occasion. I've found that if you kneel in a dark corner and make little to no movement and or sound, then they usually wont acknowledge that your there. Just don't let one catch you however, because then the sirens are alerted and it's just not good times after that. Luckily they aren't as nimble as they once thought they were. So you should have no trouble escaping.

Which leads me to my next point, and that point being popcorn. Don't you just hate it when your out on the town and your enjoying a thrilling movie and what not, so you decide to treat yourself to a nice bucket or tub, which ever fits your fancy, of popcorn. Only to have every kernel become lodged in your gums? Then instead of paying attention to the movie that you paid $13.50 to watch, your picking away viciously at your gums until you start bleeding. Then you have to leave the movie theater for immediate dental care. Just a bad day in general.

Anyways, the reason I bring up popcorn and all it’s horrendousness, is because it is the #1 weakness of all elderly, with steep stairs coming in at a close second and bears, those damn bears, in at thrid. So I say, instead of wasting all those priceless bullets, just give them a few tubs of popcorn and watch the fun.

Now I’m not saying I want to kill all the old people or any thing. Because that’s…..wrong and stuff. It’s just that they’re so useless and it would just be better for everyone to get rid of them. That’s all. I mean for goodness sake they are stealing my money and everyone seems to be ok with it, for the most part. I'm just not going to have it and I'm putting my foot down so to speak.

Who The Heck Am I Talking To?

A lot of you have said, or want to say, what a great job I'm doing with.....what I'm doing. And I want to thank you all for this. It means.....well it means a lot. No…no, c'mon guys, I'm trying to be serious here. Can't you just be serious for one second? Ok fine. Two seconds, and that is my final offer.

Fine, I never needed you anyways. What? Well fuck you too then. Here, let me open the door for you. I'd hate to see you do anything that is reasonably within your capabilities to do. Like the one time....no, I think I will start this. Let's just bring up the one incident in the restaurant with the soup? Remember that? No? Didn't think you would. You always had the knack for not being able to remember things about yourself, haven't you?

Why would you think I care would care where you stay? In fact, I'd be much happier if I knew you didn't have a place to stay. Yes. I am kicking you out. So get all your shit and get the hell out of here. Want me to call your parents for you and call and ask if you can stay?

Oh, what's wrong? You need a tissue? Well, while on your way out, I'll be sure to give you one.

The Last Straw....Well Technically There Are 5 More.

“Like omg. Okay like this was like so funny. like when i was at party over the weekend. Their was like this rlly cool thing like happening. it was like so totally cool. omg it was like really cool though. k. think of it like being really cool and then you will know what i'm talk about.”

To some this, may seem like an over exaggeration of sorts. You may be saying to yourself that no one actually uses this type of language. If you could even call it that. You’d be right, sort of. No one should be using it, but alas. People do.
However, there are others of you who see this as a perfectly reasonable way to hold a conversation, by using horrendous grammar and using the phrase “like” an unneeded amount of times. To all those people whose see this as a totally feasible way to speak, this goes out to you.

The truly horrid part is the fact that the example above was taken, with “permission”, from an actual conversation between two people. Or was it three? No matter. If before, you thought I was just making all this up to get federal funding for my research. You’d be wrong. It’s an actual problem and I’m just doing my part as a concerned citizen to help. The grant money would be appreciated though.

Is it possible to actually stop this “degenerate speech/babble“, because it’s way too late to prevent it? I’m glad you asked that. Believe it or not. I prefer that you believe it. There is still hope for the young-uns. It starts with trying to eradicate the use of the word “like”. Not when using a simile or something similar. But when used for…..it’s such a useless phrase, that I can’t even form a reason as to why it’s used in the first place. But, the way it is used today, leads to other muck ups with language. Sort of like how the government tells us that marijuana is a “gateway drug”. When really it’s the easiest way to open yourself up creatively.

Anyways, “like” opens up the usage of even more deadly, incorrect language practices. Like having little to no details in a story that your telling or having so much unneeded details that everything that your saying becomes pointless. I’d rather not pollute the internet with an example of that. Suffice it to say that it’s pretty bad.

This part is a mere assumption but, I think “like” also gives people the ability, of sorts, to completely give words whole new meanings. Like for instance, how mad is used. Or they could just be doing this to make me mad.

This is why I believe “like” should just be completely thrown out from, wherever. In the hopes that it won’t be used for evil again. We could just come up with a new, more intelligent way to compare things anyway. I mean, we’re America. We can do anything we want.

It seems that I’m not the only one trying to combat this “evil”. The car company, Jetta, has entered themselves in this too. You may know what I’m talking about. Well here it is if you don’t.

It looks like they made a public service announcement on this problem in the disguise of a really funny car commercial. Pretty sneaky sis. If you look real carefully, you can see the words "stop it" or at least something very similar.
It says pretty clearly what I’ve been saying for years. That if you use “dumb” words, you're destined to die. Probably in a car crash. It’s a grim fate, I know. But the truth is not always rose blossoms and butterfly kisses, I’m afraid. I’d hate to call it an act of God, kind of like AIDS but…he ain’t no fool.