A Totally True Story. Totally.

Oh man guys....and girls, because sexists are WRONG. I just had the absolute worse, terrible, awful day at the place where I spend most of my time during the day. Allow me to clarify because I can see some of you are looking at me a little awkwardly. You all know that when you’re a kid, some where around the ages of say 0-2 or something, that you have to go to a day care type of thing if your mother is useless.

At my day care today, not that I have ownership over it or anything, this creep/poopyhead named Tommy Von Youngbok, stole my cookie. It was one of those cookies that you can’t get in any store too. My mommy had to order specially from Paris. Damn thing cost 2 Euros too, which is like $68 or something.
Anyways, I was eating my cookie because it was snack time and everything ya know, and we had just finished with nap time so I was really hungry. Then this doofus drags his fat tokus over to my cubby, where I was enjoying my awesome cookie, then bludgeons me over the head and stole my cookie. I knew those pansy teachers that they have now weren’t going to do anything
So I just had to get revenge. So I followed him home to find out where he lived. That night I planned the greatest revenge ever to be known by mankind. The next morning I told my mommy that I was sick and so I got to stay home from day care. Around 2 O’clock or so, I asked my mommy to go to the store to get some formula. Little did she know however that the formula I wanted wasn't available anywhere so that would be sure to keep her busy for awhile. With her gone it was time to make my move.

I followed the route I had mapped out the day before to Tommy's house. I planted the TNT I had purchased from eBay on all the structure supports in his home and waited for him to arrive back home. It was strangely eerie how it all was. Was my plan really this fool proof? Did I fall for some type of trap?

To be blunt, it wasn’t a trap of any kind and I now have a warrant out for my arrest. So I guess it wasn’t completely fool proof. If I had just factored in the fact that everything I would have been doing would be “classified” as “illegal” then there’s no doubt that I would have gotten away with it.

Another One Bites The Dust.

If any one has ever been to Arizona, then they can surely appreciate this little tale. If you live in Arizona or have never been before then you probably won't find it all too great, doesn't bode very well for me then.

I think it goes without saying that almost all, if not most of you know what to do when a bear attacks you, when you're stranded on an island with big foot and what do when left in the desert to die by your best friend's brother's cousin. I only wish a certain Jake Tambernake had such a wealth of knowledge as all of you. Because you see almost all of that happened to Jake. Except for the bear attacks, being stranded with a mythical creature (sorry to destroy your hopes crazy people) but he was left in the desert to die. Although it wasn't by his cousin 67th removed. I think it was actually his parents, but details shemales.

When he got back from his "vacation" as it was called, no one was able to see him for awhile because they said the autopsy and body preparation would take a little bit longer then expected. When we finally got to see him, he was dressed up as his favorite superhero and was suspended from the ceiling and made to look like he was in a flying motion. It was a very powerful sight indeed.

The moral of the story of course is, always learn basic survival techniques because you never know when they might come in handy. That or don’t befriend people with a lack moral system. Or you might have to attend the weirdest/sweetest funeral.

This whole ordeal leads me to start to think what my funeral would be like. Not that I’m gonna die or anything. I made sure of that.
I started to imagine the type of people that would possibly show up. My schoolmates, My family, arch enemies, George W. Bush? Then I began thinking about what type of funerals it would be. Would it be one of those sad sad affairs where everyone is just balling like a little baby? Or would it be the one where everyone wants to get out, even the preacher? It could even be one of those new fangled atheist funerals, where the people just dump the body into the ground and then turn the grave into a giant fire pit where they have a BBQ. That’s how the atheists go about things, right?

If you’re having your funeral soon or if you’re attending one, be sure to be a nice person and let me join along. This isn’t intended to come off as rude or anything but I think those things are just loads of fun. Especially when the person who passed was an exceptionally awful person, which makes whoever is speaking the funniest man on earth, because they always say some almost, inane things. Like, “oh poor poor Robert. He was very good at being able to get the lid off of any pickle jar, and whenever any of the neighborhood children came around to play near the house, he would always purposefully not shoot and kill them.”
Man, those things get me every time.