“Oh My God, You Are So Funny.”

“Have you ever thought of becoming a professional comedian? Oh Yeah, that’s right, you’re the all powerful god and overseer of the human race. Hey, just a thought, but have you ever thought of maybe a career change of some sort, I mean because you have been at this whole “God” thing for awhile now.”

The question has been asked since the dawn of man. Or maybe it was the dusk of man. Scientists haven’t been able to figure that one out yet. That question being whether or not God has a sense of humor. For the sake of this discussion, lets just all assume that I’m referring to the “real one”. You know, Christianities. Because I do not have the time or religious patience to take into account all those “other ones”. And don’t even get me started on Hinduism.

God not being an actual human, one could make the assumption that He doesn’t share the same emotion, a funny bone if you will, as us humans. Others could make a counter argument of sorts that since man was created in his image that he would in fact have it. The fact that laughter itself doesn’t really serve a purpose could also mean something. Maybe we just don’t understand yet it’s true purpose because it’s an other worldly or even Godly expression. Some would say though that my unwavering devotion to the Man down under would have an affect on how I perceive this. But that’s something I would rather not dwell upon. I myself like to believe that He does in fact have a “Sense of Humor”. Only that his is far superior then ours. I like to think that His is an enhanced version of British humor.

But hey, what do I know right? It’s not like my father, THE Lafayette Ronald Hubbard, created the greatest religion known to modern man or anything. I don’t know about you, but if the greatest America actor of all time says that it’s the best religion well then gosh darned it, it’s the best and you would do well to remember that. Granted, I’m not 100% positive what the repercussions would be if you didn’t agree. I guess a really horrible movie.

Since this world is one of his creations then one would think that some signs of his humor would be apparent and you would be right. Like the duckbill platypus for example. To be able to even consciously allow such a thing to exist has to be evidence of some sick humor.



Seriously. That's just silly.

Many may not know this but the predecessor of the platypus was the Dodo bird, but that joke was starting to get stale so it ended. So alike the sitcom, He took the same formula, a ridiculously useless creature that looks like complete shite and something that not even a connoisseur of animal pelts would want, and tweaked a little. If anyone wants to do their homework, then they would find that the first known sighting of a platypus was after the Dodo bird was confirmed extinct and if any one has ever happened to see a Dodo after that point then chances are it was a fake.

There are much more subtle things then a funny looking animal, that’s a great substitute for turkey, to prove His humor. For example, have you ever witnessed a car accident and not giggled?
Let’s give it a try.

Hahahaha, sorry I lost if there for a minute.

Anyways, have you also ever stopped and thought about how weird and somewhat comical a coincidence is? See, isn’t that weird? Take some time to ponder events in your life and you’re bound to remember something that has happened to you that you really had no control over but made you laugh. Like a really unfortunate turn of events or something. Like being mugged on your way to a job interview that could have been your potential career. Something that was so God awful that you couldn’t help but laugh at the situation, after you got done crying of coarse.

Without all of the deaths, natural disasters are the best closer. Not because of how much damage is being done to one place leaving that area in complete shambles, physically and economically. But because of all the irony that surrounds it. That's why I always shake my head to the people that don't understand how "He could let this happen". Because he was bored and wanted to have a little fun. I know the first time you hear that, it sounds like an awful thing to think or even say, but you have to look at it from his point of view. And when you do figure out what his point of view is could you do me a favor and tell me? Thanks.

To get to the real bottom of this, I decided to ask someone who would know the best, and so I asked His son, Jesus at his help column/blog.

I was wondering if your father, God, has a sense of humor? I just can't imagine such.....wonderful guy not having one. If you'd rather not go into moments or events that weren't worth remembering, then I can understand.

Mike

Dearest Mike,

My dad actually does have a pretty good sense of humor - especially when he's been into the scotch. Ever hear of a little group called the Southern Baptists? Yep. One of his favorite drunken pranks.

My Love (and scotch),
JHC.


If any of you would like to check the validity of this, be my guest. No really, see for yourself.

It seems that he said it pretty well. If you still don't believe that He does have a sense of humor though then all I can hope for your sake, is that hopefully Satan has a sense of humor that doesn't involve torture.

America's Dead.

Lately, I've had something that's been on my mind and since I have a blog I figured this would be the best place to express that idea. At least I’m hoping that this is the case.

Why is America so obsessed with death?

No; now hear me out. We are allowed by law to go out and kill and be killed before we are allowed to get slaphappy drunk. I understand that sounds a little like complaining, but believe me it isn't. I'm just trying to point out that before we're allowed to partay we can legally kill someone anyway we see fit, but only if they’re a “threat to our security”. I don't know why, but I find that interesting.

The entire history of America and all of its morals are based on the death and sacrifices of our "fore fathers", not to mention all the deaths of our fore fathers enemies.
For goodness sake, easily more than half of this country has their very own death penalty. Not a fact, just assuming.

Let’s not forget our strange attraction with violence. I'm going to bet you all, that if you were to turn on your televisions right now or get on the internet at this very moment, you are guaranteed to see some senseless act of violence being committed. Some of it though may not be "evil", but last time I checked kicking someone in the face while in a ring with people screaming and for some reason cheering all around you is still considered violence no matter how many people call it a “sport”.
(Warning. You may want to turn your sound off/down for this)


This happenes to bring up another good point. Dieing is also considered a form of entertainment for some. Take, for instance, any piece of horror (fiction), be it a movie, book or game. There is even an entire subgenre of metal completely devoted to dieing. Try and guess what the name of it is. If you guessed death metal then you are right. Leave it to the metalheads to come up with such an original name. If any of you would like to hear your self some of that, you can go on over to the Download Full Metal Albums blog. There’s guaranteed, not by the blogger mind you, to be something there to peek your fancy.

But maybe this isn't just another example as to why America may not be as great of a country as people say. Maybe death and everything involved with it like war and what not, is just part of human nature. I don’t know all about that and I sure as heck am not going to begin some philosophical reflection on the subject. Not because I can't, but more that I would end up sounding like some 17 year old that is just now figuring this all out to exist, and I don't want that.
But hey, don't let my lack of understanding stop you from continuing on with this, because it sure is a dandy of one and I would hate to see it go to waste.

Getting Two Birds With At Least Three Stones.

If any of you happened to be around during the time of "Reagan’s Rein", then please do us all a favor and leave now. No, don't ask questions. It just would be too difficult to do anything with you here, for obvious reasons.

With that taken care of, I wanted to talk a little about growing up. I mean past childhood, past adolescence. I mean, growing up to an elderly age. I don't know what society labels as "old" anymore, but as long as your house contains only 3-5 technologic "marvels" then your an old fogey. Afraid to say it. Of coarse there are exceptions though. Like if you're too poor to own anything and what not. Granted you are still not a contributing member to society but at least your not going to die in a few more days.

I just want to say before I continue that I'm not one of these "old people", but I have seen more then one, on more then one occasion. I've found that if you kneel in a dark corner and make little to no movement and or sound, then they usually wont acknowledge that your there. Just don't let one catch you however, because then the sirens are alerted and it's just not good times after that. Luckily they aren't as nimble as they once thought they were. So you should have no trouble escaping.

Which leads me to my next point, and that point being popcorn. Don't you just hate it when your out on the town and your enjoying a thrilling movie and what not, so you decide to treat yourself to a nice bucket or tub, which ever fits your fancy, of popcorn. Only to have every kernel become lodged in your gums? Then instead of paying attention to the movie that you paid $13.50 to watch, your picking away viciously at your gums until you start bleeding. Then you have to leave the movie theater for immediate dental care. Just a bad day in general.

Anyways, the reason I bring up popcorn and all it’s horrendousness, is because it is the #1 weakness of all elderly, with steep stairs coming in at a close second and bears, those damn bears, in at thrid. So I say, instead of wasting all those priceless bullets, just give them a few tubs of popcorn and watch the fun.

Now I’m not saying I want to kill all the old people or any thing. Because that’s…..wrong and stuff. It’s just that they’re so useless and it would just be better for everyone to get rid of them. That’s all. I mean for goodness sake they are stealing my money and everyone seems to be ok with it, for the most part. I'm just not going to have it and I'm putting my foot down so to speak.

Who The Heck Am I Talking To?

A lot of you have said, or want to say, what a great job I'm doing with.....what I'm doing. And I want to thank you all for this. It means.....well it means a lot. No…no, c'mon guys, I'm trying to be serious here. Can't you just be serious for one second? Ok fine. Two seconds, and that is my final offer.

Fine, I never needed you anyways. What? Well fuck you too then. Here, let me open the door for you. I'd hate to see you do anything that is reasonably within your capabilities to do. Like the one time....no, I think I will start this. Let's just bring up the one incident in the restaurant with the soup? Remember that? No? Didn't think you would. You always had the knack for not being able to remember things about yourself, haven't you?

Why would you think I care would care where you stay? In fact, I'd be much happier if I knew you didn't have a place to stay. Yes. I am kicking you out. So get all your shit and get the hell out of here. Want me to call your parents for you and call and ask if you can stay?

Oh, what's wrong? You need a tissue? Well, while on your way out, I'll be sure to give you one.

The Last Straw....Well Technically There Are 5 More.

“Like omg. Okay like this was like so funny. like when i was at party over the weekend. Their was like this rlly cool thing like happening. it was like so totally cool. omg it was like really cool though. k. think of it like being really cool and then you will know what i'm talk about.”

To some this, may seem like an over exaggeration of sorts. You may be saying to yourself that no one actually uses this type of language. If you could even call it that. You’d be right, sort of. No one should be using it, but alas. People do.
However, there are others of you who see this as a perfectly reasonable way to hold a conversation, by using horrendous grammar and using the phrase “like” an unneeded amount of times. To all those people whose see this as a totally feasible way to speak, this goes out to you.

The truly horrid part is the fact that the example above was taken, with “permission”, from an actual conversation between two people. Or was it three? No matter. If before, you thought I was just making all this up to get federal funding for my research. You’d be wrong. It’s an actual problem and I’m just doing my part as a concerned citizen to help. The grant money would be appreciated though.

Is it possible to actually stop this “degenerate speech/babble“, because it’s way too late to prevent it? I’m glad you asked that. Believe it or not. I prefer that you believe it. There is still hope for the young-uns. It starts with trying to eradicate the use of the word “like”. Not when using a simile or something similar. But when used for…..it’s such a useless phrase, that I can’t even form a reason as to why it’s used in the first place. But, the way it is used today, leads to other muck ups with language. Sort of like how the government tells us that marijuana is a “gateway drug”. When really it’s the easiest way to open yourself up creatively.

Anyways, “like” opens up the usage of even more deadly, incorrect language practices. Like having little to no details in a story that your telling or having so much unneeded details that everything that your saying becomes pointless. I’d rather not pollute the internet with an example of that. Suffice it to say that it’s pretty bad.

This part is a mere assumption but, I think “like” also gives people the ability, of sorts, to completely give words whole new meanings. Like for instance, how mad is used. Or they could just be doing this to make me mad.

This is why I believe “like” should just be completely thrown out from, wherever. In the hopes that it won’t be used for evil again. We could just come up with a new, more intelligent way to compare things anyway. I mean, we’re America. We can do anything we want.

It seems that I’m not the only one trying to combat this “evil”. The car company, Jetta, has entered themselves in this too. You may know what I’m talking about. Well here it is if you don’t.

It looks like they made a public service announcement on this problem in the disguise of a really funny car commercial. Pretty sneaky sis. If you look real carefully, you can see the words "stop it" or at least something very similar.
It says pretty clearly what I’ve been saying for years. That if you use “dumb” words, you're destined to die. Probably in a car crash. It’s a grim fate, I know. But the truth is not always rose blossoms and butterfly kisses, I’m afraid. I’d hate to call it an act of God, kind of like AIDS but…he ain’t no fool.

What Did You Just Say?

As many of you may already know, I'm always trying to help our posterity prosper. I believe that they’re the way to the future and all that other jumble wumble hippy talk. I mean, I bought about 12 of them in Africa. So don’t try and tell me that I don’t care.
So this is why I’ve set out to help today’s young ones, with their serious problem with our English language. Statistics show that around 73% of people under the age of 17, don’t know what an apostrophe is. I see this as an utter catastrophe. And 54% of people under 14 can’t even spell blasphemy. So don’t you see?

It’s only a matter of time until we’re using pictures again to communicate. It’s up to me and even you all, to, for lack of a better term, nip this little problem in the urethra. Which is much more effective then the bud. Because I’ll be damned if I ever have to go back to using a drawing of a middle finger to express my anger towards someone.

I haven’t yet been able to decipher why this is so. But these kids, our young ones, our future, refuse, absolutely will not use the words that were expertly crafted for our daily use….correctly.

Take the word “mad” for instance. Now to everyone with….intelligence. Not saying that these kids don’t have any though. This word is most commonly used to express ones anger towards someone or even something. And according to my good friend Encarta, who actually is throwing a rather large and probably extravagant dinner party. You should all really come. It’s probably going to be a ton of fun.

mad [mad]
adj (comparative mad·der, superlative mad·dest)
1. very angry: affected by great displeasure or anger
Encarta ® World English Dictionary © & (P) 1998-2004 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.

But for some unexplainable reason, “mad” now has some new meaning. But this so called “new meaning” it has…..makes no sense whatsoever. I can understand how, a word that’s been used for, almost ever, how it may not make sense that all of a sudden, it could now have a new connotation. So let me give you an example of what I mean.

“I received mad admiration, a fort night ago at the game.” Now, with the use of mad here, the speaker isn’t even trying to express any anger. But instead, the speaker is attempting to emphasize the vast amount of admiration he received. At I guess some type of sporting event. However, the word mad, doesn’t have any type of number associated with it. Sort of like how dozen means 12. Now, if the example, instead went something like “I received grand amounts of admiration, a fort night ago at the game.” This other, more reasonable way, isn’t only more reasonable but it also allows for the speaker to stay hip and in with his pals.

Now I’m a fairly reasonable, understanding guy. Maybe I’m just taking this too far out of context. It could just be a replacement for a lot. In which case, you should just use a lot. I mean, It’s there for a reason. It’s one thing to completely change the entire meaning of a word. But to neglect another is……well I’d rather not start down that rabbit hole.

I Do Only What I Can.

If you were given all the money you could ever want, what would you do with it? Would you give it to charity? Would you keep it all for yourself? Or would you throw it away and continue to live a meager, worthless life?

Well unfortunately, I can't give you the answer to that question and neither can anyone else. That is a answer you have to make for yourself. No one can answer but you. And I'll tell you why. You see, we live in a world where everyone has the ability to rise to the top. If, that is, they have necessary items. One being a fair bit of power. Either attained through having….power or money. In, some and usually most cases, both.

If everyone could answer for you, then why would you even need to live. You could just sit back and let everything happen. Of coarse that would not be very fun at all. If that was the case then everything that our forefathers did, would just be in vain. If our lives were not given the full and up most attention that they deserve then, we really shouldn't even be alive. I know that may sound a little pessimistic but hear me out. And please just pay attention.

What was that? I’ll have you know that I have an associates in psychology so I think I know what I'm talking about. Give me some credit. I didn't go to the best community college that financial aid can buy for nothing. I know I didn’t spend a few months of my life at fcc so I could be mocked. And Billy…..Billy, what are you doing. Just put the stapler down. Well I don’t care what Tom said. Does Tom have a stapler in his hands. No. So go sit down and listen. I spent all night writing this speech. Granted I only came up with a couple sentences, but that’s not the point.

Now that I have your attention, what do some of you think of the continually declining structure of our society. Hmmm? Well just to get you started. What do some of you think the outcome will be with the whole gay marriage issue. Does anyone think that this will actually destroy the sanctity of marriage. Yeah, Cathy, you have some thing to say………yes you can go to the lavatory. Don’t forget the hallpass.

Anyone. Your all going to tell me that all of you have absolutely no thoughts on this subject. Your all sitting here with no objections, no views. That’s just…..

But we don’t have all day to delve on topics that are most important to the well being of our country. God forbid I try and make sure that we are prepared for what is to come. But whatever.

Ok. Who’s ready for finger painting.

BFF

-Hey your back. Did something happen to you while you were in there?

-No. I just saw someone I knew. You remember Arthur?

-Yeah. The guy from the Catalog thing right.

-Yep. That’s the one.

-So how’s he doing?

-Oh. I don’t know. I just said hi to him. I’m actually not sure if it was really him. But it did look like him.
So, is this a good restaurant?

-Yeah. I like it. I usually come here a lot with Stacy.

-Oh yeah. How is she doing by the way?

-She’s doing pretty well. She just got offered a job at the shop down the road from that one store. You know the one that sells those disgusting antique miniatures?

-Yeah. That place makes me choke by just being near it.

-Well she now works at the store just down the road from there.

-Well that’s great for her.
Does it usually take this long for the food to come?

-I know. I think it’s been about 20 minutes so far.

-Oh here it comes.

-Great. Your gonna love what you got by the way.

-I sure hope so.
Wow. Is this what it’s suppose to look like?

-Um, well it did look a little different last time I had it. But it looks ok for the most part.

-What if it was like, poisoned and when I ate it I just died right here. How funny would that be?

-Except for the you not living part, yeah, it would be kind of funny.

-But how much would that suck if that actually did happen?

-Haha. That would suck pretty bad.

-Haha. That’s almost as bad as being killed by your best friend or something

-Hahahah yeah, just about……wait. You don’t have anything planned do you? Hahaha just kidding.

-Uh…what? Haha, of coarse not.

-Ok, yeah. that’s what I thought. But, let's just say you do. How would you do it?

-Um lets see…um…well I’d have to drug you first. Probably when we’re both at party or something.

-Like the one Carrie is throwing this weekend

-Yeah, I guess that would probably work.
Anyways, at the party I’d probably spike your drink with something that’ll just knock you right out. Those shouldn’t be that hard to find. I’d probably volunteer as designated driver for you too, so that I could drive you home that night.
Then with you knocked out, I’d tie some ropes to your legs that were attached to some cinder blocks. I’d then drive out to the lake, you know the one on 92. And down you would go.

-wait, what……

-Yeah. But, that’s a pretty long drive all the way down to the lake. So I would probably have to stop off for gas on the way. And probably just to end the night, I’d get one of those delicious hoagies. You know the ones I’m talking about. The ones on 15th. Aren’t they great. Anyways…I’d eat one of those while I watched you drown. O shoot, that would mean though that I’ll need something to drink. Well I can probably get something while I pick up the hoagie. But I don’t think those pills will be cheap. So…how am I going to pay for all that food and stuff.
Aren’t the hoagies something like, 9 bucks right? Hey umm, you wouldn’t mind maybe…letting me hold a few bucks would you?
Wait. Where are you going. I hope you don’t think that lunch is on me again…that no good…always sticking me with the bill. Well I got something for you *cheesy one liner*

These Kids Today.

Around the area where I live, my community if you will, there are quite a bit of some ill guided children. I’m afraid that they are going to grow up and live miserable worthless lives. So I’ve decided that these kids aren‘t going to go anywhere without some type of guidance and have placed it upon myself to aid in there struggle with life. In the hopes that they might try and strive for something better then what they are destined for. So I have decided to use some examples from my own life so they can get a feel for what it’s like in the real world. But for some reason, I’m not sure that I’ll be able to really connect with them. Well, I guess there’s no point in not trying.

Since last time we’ve talked, I’ve been able to chat with a few of my communities youth. Unfortunately, I’m still a little up in the air as to the effectiveness of my talks. Luckily, I was able to have one of those new travel stenographers accompany me so that I could later examine what I said in the hopes that I could improve. Also, if anyone has any pointers or even compliments. Please feel free to give them. Because these youths need all the help they can get. Well here is the speech I gave to a little boy named Charlie, don’t really know his last name. But he lives in my apartment complex so I thought he would be pretty easy to reach.

Hey, how’s is going boy-O. Charlie right? Well close enough. I was wondering if I could maybe have a little chat with you for a moment. No you haven’t done anything wrong, why would you think that? I just want to have a chat is all. Look we can go down to the pub if you’ll feel more comfortable. No. Okay, well at least come up to my place.

Sorry about the mess. I have some people staying over. Ok, this should only take a moment.
So, your only about what 5, 6.….Or would you rather not say? Well that’s okay. Your young is the point I’m trying to make. Alright, so being one of today’s youths must bring a lot of problems, right? Sometimes you feel as if you really don’t know where you’re going to end up. I was once your age so I can relate. That’s why I invited you up here, to help you get your life on the path to success. Here, take some mini snickers. They are delicious. I’m still amazed they were able to place so much caramel goodness in such small bite sized portions. Which leads me to my next point,

You as a young man, I presume, will get a lot of different urges. And must find a way to fulfill them all. Luckily for us however, there is an entire business out there, were it’s sole purpose is to quell that thirst, that urge for lust. It can be quite useful for someone like yourself, with not that much experience, someone who is still relatively new to the world. Or to someone who has a wife and is not in the very least pleased with her. Yeah she cooks and cleans, takes care of the kids and does all the things that’s associated with her job. But she never takes time out for her husband. She just lets him rot away. And she wonders why we got the divorce. And apparently she still thinks, somewhere in that thick head of hers that she won just because she got the kids.

Anyways, this special business I was talking about can also be used for someone who is, after a messy divorce, now alone and doesn’t have any social skills to speak of. But this priceless commodity isn‘t all fun and giggles. There are a few things that you need to be aware of. Which leads me to the real reason of our discussion.

Trickery, yes trickery. It exists even as you get older. And is even more noticeable in this world of HIV and single mothers. Don’t look at me like that. It’s true. For example. Say you were with one of these…..illegal doctors of pleasure, who you thought was named Michelle, but was actually called Michael. And believe me that’s a situation you do not want to get yourself into. My advice. Ask. Always ask. I don't care if it's a definite women. Always ask. It doesn't even have to be that straight forward. You could be a bit ambiguous about it if you wanted to. You could go with something like, “so miss, got anything betwixt your thighs I should know about.” Now I know that may sound a bit rude but, I’ve saved myself that from that special surprise at least 27 times now. Believe me, one time is plenty. Just imagine if you will, coming home from the pub, you know, you and your partner for the evening are having a night out and you bring her back to your place. And you’ve been drinking quite a bit that night and so things are moving a little too fast and you miss a few signs here and there. Like the adams apple, the bulge and the man hands. As the night progresses, things start to happen that you didn’t anticipate and somehow you end up facing the wall with your lady, or at least what you thought was a lady, friend behind you and that’s when you realize, a bit too late, that you made a grave mistake. One of which has haunted you to this day.

You know what Charlie, I’m glad we could have this talk. It really helped me be able to get some stuff that was tearing away at my soul, off my chest. So if you ever need anyone to talk to about anything. Even if it doesn’t involve a prostitute in drag. I’m right here so come talk to me. Also, if you have any friends who want to come and talk, I’ll be right here. But right now I have to leave. I have a psychiatrist appointment that I have to run off to.

For Your Own Benefit.

They is sort of in line with the last post. But we decided to create one all it's own anyways.

Well, some of you(no one) may remember that last time we met, we made General Greireg our mascot or the person who would be the vision of The Essence Of Awesome. So mascot. However thanks to a lot of help from some outside sources. We have some brand new entries for The Essence Of Awesome. If you would like to use these for any purpose involving the advertising of the site. Please be my guest and use it.





Also, because I feel it to be my civic duty, I shall never post any thing like this if I can help it. Sorry

Public Service Announcement.

The crew here at The Essence Of Awesome have finally determined our mascot to be the one and only. General Kerling Greireg. In case you do not know who he is, there is a pic of him at the bottom. Some(no one) may remember him from Bionuclear Mutation. Now we just have to figure out why we needed a mascot in the first place. If anyone has any suggestions as to what to do with it or even a better mascot. Feel free to give one. For a small fee of coarse.

**Jeffrey Tate's Journal Entry 07/13/01.**

A few weeks ago yesterday, I was going to be throwing one of my exclusive themed parties. Some may call them “drug get downs”. But, I was faced with rather difficult dilemma. It seemed as if I didn’t have enough party favors to accommodate the guests that I would be having. I think it needs to be stated before I continue, that I’m not alluding to, with the italics and quotation marks, anything legal. I just thought, that all of that may have confused some people.
I also only had around 45 minutes before the party. So I had to act fast and SWIFT. If I still wanted to get my fix….of fun and excitement.

Luckily there was a market only a couple minutes from my…well it wasn’t really a house nor was it mine. So place of residence. But, thanks to some questionable construction choices by my town, it would have taken me about, a hour an half to get to the market which would not have been very good. However, thanks to a pleasant shortcut through a deserted graveyard or what most people would call a desert, it's only about a 3 minute walk.

I’ve never really known exactly why the land is referred to as a graveyard when there’s no one there, living or dead. I believe it has something to do with the fact that about 3 and a half years ago there was a slew of murders committed on the land where females, mostly under the age of 21, were found mangled and tortured. They never did catch the culprit. And ever since then, any one who traveled across the land went mysteriously missing. As if there is a way to go missing unmysteriously. Or at least, this is what the crazy hippy told me.

So It's always suggested nay authorized that if you decide to travel through the graveyard, which is the only reasonable way into town, other then the catapult, that you be in the company of a fellow traveler. Well I have never have been one to follow rules very well, so I ventured in alone, unassisted and oddly enough. Really scared. I would soon come to realize that my rebellious 'tude, was not one of a beneficial nature. So I began to walk through the cold, desolate, bleak graveyard and reached the exit in around 3 1/2 minuets. Got the things I needed and came back and threw a pretty ridiculously awesome party…….....O wait you, you thought that there was going to be some kind of horrific tragedy or some forlorn accident while I traveled through the graveyard. Yes...now that I look back at it, it does seem like that would have most likely happened. The description of the graveyard, retelling the history of the graveyard. Even calling the slap of land a graveyard. Yep, certain death did seem inevitable. But um.....no.

I really would like to apologize though for doing such a cruel thing. You probably had your popcorn out ready for some tale of ghosts and the undead and maybe some dismemberment if you were lucky. I feel really bad about this, and I've done some pretty unspeakable things. But why not at least speak about some of them. Let's see....I got a good one. Now this, as of the moment, is purely hearsay but, I once impregnated someone who may not have been legal. But to my defense we were both drunk so don't go waving your finger quite yet.

What's another good one. Um.....no not that one. I'm not even sure I can say that on the internet. And this is the internet. Was fun though. There was also the time I....relieved myself on a children’s choir. And in an attempt to keep it out of the open I, well lets just say I made sure any one around was taking care of. In my defense however, it was quite early in the morning and I had been drinking for the past 6 hours or so. So I was in no shape to walk home or perform any physical activity involving my alcohol saturated body.

That last one, I actually never got into any trouble over. So no one knew of it prior to me telling it.

I know this may seem like an odd change of pace of sorts, but to anyone reading this. Could I have your home address and the times that you are most vulnerable. If anyone has a problem or some kind of inquiry as to why I would require such information, I would love if you could contact me so that we could maybe meet in a more private, deserted setting. I know of a great little spot of land near to where live that would be perfect.

The "critic" who usually occupies this space could not be reached due to unexpected events. We here at the site, just want to wish his family good luck on dealing with their crisis and hope that he can pull through. Which I don't think will be happening.

Who's Got Gravitas?

*Warning: The contents found here may make absolutely no sense if read incorrectly and even correctly. Either way, have fun trying to figure this out. Also, these contents may lead to some internal bleeding *

In the Life we live, things that are "aren't" "are" and things that "are" are most commonly "aren't". With this said, the things that are labeled "is" seem to always be a "isn't" while almost always the things which are "isn't" have a tendency to be a definitive "is".

It is actually a very common thing, especially in the world we live in. We don't even have the right thing to do all these things necessary for all these things needed. However, all things considered, we really don't know whether or not we can all be dutiful for the end of all things to come. That is why we need, without hesitation, all people to have the right and positive outlook on life. That of which is always synonymous with the words of "isn't". Without the serious doubt of hope, we can never have true feelings towards the good of man. In the end, if you have a real motive, a real transition from the "real", than you can overcome any minuscule thing from the most overt.

The question needs to be asked though, "Do the things we do really harm those in the close proximity of us?" I've dealt with these type of things, almost daily. Although, with the present manufactures of man, which are dangerous for all of us, we really can't all be here all of the time. That is why we always need to be vigilant. Without these constant ideas and values, all of our life goals can only be described as a new way to move forward in life, with the new disruptions in the world today that are a hindrance to our well being and purpose. So the closer we get to the end of being true, the farther we get from being stuck in the depths of depression.

This is the exact reason why we all need to be able to distinguish between that which "is" and that which is "isn't". See, this is a crucial fact that is missed so commonly and I cant begin to understand why this is so. All they really need to know is that the world can only support the amount of people that are wiling to contribute to the success of their respective Trade League. It is of the most importance that we all have the idea of awesome and righteousness. Without these key ideas and beliefs, we will never have the correct amount of contributors to society.

This is one of the reasons why there is such a debate over immigration. Yes, they work, however, they're a degeneration to our well being. Caused mostly by their lack of or the rejection towards assimilation. This is a prime example of the "aren't" being produced by an overwhelming "is". This is really only one example from the hundreds that are present today. Without a constant watch of prevalence, this could prove to be a very difficult problem. One of which we don't want to confront in the near future.

I can't however stress enough how much being prepared can help you overcome any type of adversity. Especially the kind that progress the instability of trade and commerce through international nations. Through this ideology , we are guaranteed to have a sufficient amount time to stabilize ourselves. This, in cause and effect, can help to explain the meaning of life. Ain't that some'in.

"Mr. Excelsior. I think I’m almost understanding it. It actually kind of makes sense…sort of. But its still really confusing. When I read it, my head begins to hurt and I start to see my mother who has been dead for years. All while I rock back and forth, in the fetal position, in a corner" To all you freaks and geeks out there, all I have to say is this. It's painfully obvious that you forgot to take the prescribed medication before reading. The bottle should say something along the lines of St. Mary's Special Herbs. That should fix your problem. Or at least do something. I better not have payed $24 for nothing.

Paid Advertisement.

I need you to do something for me. It's not terribly difficult or anything, in fact it may turn out to be really fun.

Ready...wait, first, before we begin, I'm going to ask you to clear your mind. Get rid of all your thoughts so that your mind is completely empty, so that your not focusing on anything at all. But please do write down anything important that you may need to reference later, like say a special meeting that you need to go to, or if you have to pick up your dry cleaning later. You know, anything you don't want to forget, because I don't want to be held accountable for anything that might happen, or in this case, what might not happen. I'll give you a couple seconds to do all this with some Amos Lee to past the time Alright, done? Well that's good. Now that all is taking care of, we can start.

To begin, I want to ask you a few questions. No, don't worry none of these are terribly personal questions. Ok, first one: What is your social security number.....hohohoho. I kid I kid.

Alright, we really have to begin this soon, Idol is going to come on in just a little bit.
Now, to get down to business.... hahaha. Sorry, I know your not suppose to laugh at your own puns, but I couldn't help myself. That's it, enough kidding around. No no no. I wasn't was yelling at you. I was only trying to sound a little assertive. O please don't cry, that'll ruin everything....are you ok now? Ok, let's begin.

If you look to your left, you should see a bright blue packet with the words "In The Name Of" written on the top. If you don't see it, I'll give you a few minutes to find it. Found it? That's super. Now here comes the part that gets most's panties in a twist . I now need you to turn to page 46 starting backwards from page 89. Good. Now I know you may be a little puzzled as to what your supposed to do now, seeing as the page is in ancient sanskrit. That's ok, that page is insignificant to what we're doing right now anyways. The page you need to read is, 5 away from 54 and 9 from 43. Tell me when you get to the right the page.....O, I can't watch you suffer like that, so just turn to page 25.

Now here is when it starts to get really fun. I mean outrageously fun. I'm talking the type of fun you have when you fly your first kite after having just left your parents funeral fun. Hard to believe isn't it? That both of them could have been taken away from you at such an early age. Left to defend yourself from the dangers of life. Not knowing right from wrong, good from bad, homosexual from straight. Those were some very difficult times back then and would just like to thank louis for being my hero. It's too bad though, it's illegal to be "happy" with a 8 year old boy. I kept on trying to tell them that we had something special and that it didn't matter that he was slighty older then me by only 22 years. We had true love. But I'm getting a little off-topic.

After you finish reading the second paragraph in the wingdings text, you should have come to realize something. That’s right, that It’ll cost you $153 to continue with the program.


"Mr. Teddy Fingers, I tried to the best of my ability to do what you told me to, but to no success. Is there anything you may have forgotten to tell us, like maybe some missed step that was essential to...whatever this was supposed to be?" To all you whiners and girly men, all I have to say is. How dare you question my instruction giving ability. Do I go to your house and criticize your already questionable love making ability? No. So I would expect the same from you. The nerve of some people. However, if you send me the $153, that's when the program takes a grand turn and becomes something so undeniably awesome, you won't be able to stop yourself from sending me more money. The preferred payment of choice is to send your credit card number to my email. This is the most effective way to do things I've found.

**Have You Ever Heard Little Red Riding Hood.....On Weed?**

Hey kids, today we have a story about a little cherry bear named Little Cherry Bear Ann Jenkins. But, his friends just called him LCBAJ for short. But for our purposes, we'll just refer to him as Cherry.

Well, Cherry was out in the cannabis patch, getting ready for another farming season when his mother called him into the house. When he was finally done preparing the crops and went in, his mother handed him 43.57 and told him to pick something up from the store for his aunt. However, Little Cherry had little to no idea what he was to get, so he started to leave, intent on using the money for the removal of his tumor. But then his mother told him that he would find clues about what to get for his aunt. It looked like Cherry would just have to keep fighting a little longer.

Lucky for Cherry's aunt, Cherry enjoyed a good mystery especially tough ones that took a lot of thought, perseverance, determination and intelligence. Unfortunately, the clue was a post-it note that his mom gave him, which told him to go the super store and get some soft hard candy for his aunt, hopefully to cure her raging STDs.

Cherry had to travel through the forest of banished fairies so he could get to the store, which was located adjacent to the mall and perpendicular to the strip mall. Unfortunately, Cherry had smoked a blunt before leaving so instead of heading to the store and buying the magic candy, he instead, wandered into an alley and fell asleep in a pile of garbage. This led to his aunt never receiving the candy, thus dying of an over infestation of crabs. Cherry was also mugged and raped in the alley.

So, the moral of the story is, don't do drugs or your skanky aunt will die. So the real moral of the story, don't have a sexual encounter with your STD ridden aunt without some form of protection, preferably, cow hide. That way everything will be smooth sailings. GOOOOO Incest.


"Mr.Merry-Go-Round, I think there may be something seriously wrong with you. I recommend some sort of doctor to look at you, maybe a therapist. It looks like you have had some serious problems growing up. It seems you have quite a few emotional scars." All I have to say to all you people with your feelings and concerns is, please read the disclaimer at the top. It says right there in the ancient German, that none of the things here reflect the views of the author. And if you are too ignorant to realize that the title is a reference to Half Baked, specifically the scene containing the god, Jon Stewart, then please do something along the lines of dislodging yourself from the material world. Well that seems like a nice way to end things. A threat to my already limited audience.

Hard Day At The Job.

In the news today, a great white was found off the coast of the Antarctic. He was brought in for the possession of questionable material. When asked about the items in question, the shark had this to say “I’m just holding them for my good friend, Buddy who’s out on vacation”. The authorities were aware of the definite lie that was told because it was common knowledge that this shark had no friends and still lived with his mother. Which is a poor sight indeed, just ask my mother. When the shark’s attorney was questioned, he had this to say, “I don’t know why they are targeting my client, when it’s all his friends junk.” The reporters, when hearing this, all broke out into a fit of laughter. The friend in question could not be reached for questioning.
OH! You know what that loud shrieking, ear deafening sound is right? That sound means it’s time for our slogan of the week. This weeks slogan is from Alzheimer’s Medication and Therapy. Their slogan, “When you need to know your name, we got you covered.” O. It brings tears to my now desolate ducts.
In other news today, Yugoslavian prime minister, untranslatable into english, was found guilty in the Brazilian courts this week for the decapitation of his deceased pet, Furball. What freaks…the Yugoslavians are.
Now with sports, our own Jon Jacklebarrysmit.
:Hey Alex, well today was a fabulous day in sports. First, we have an interview with league MPV Mar…
:Thank you Jon for that wonderful report. In other news tonight, Sherry Ann was finally found…
:Hey, what the hell, I’m still suppose to talk about the NBA finals and we have this funny little thing with steroids. I mean, I still got like 15 minutes here.
:Exactly
:You know what. F U Alex. F U
:Well Jon, I would hit you up with a “that’s what she said” but that would make entirely no sense. O, alright, I’m being told to keep this coco train a moving. So, here’s your local meteorologist, Kenny Burnstein with the weather.
:How ya’s doin Alex.
:Hey Ken. Well, I see that you still have that English problem.
:Um…sure. Well, tha weathea…won’t be presented for yous guys todaee because the station has again, neglected my need fo a Doppla Rader, green screen and map. Things, essential for a weather report. So it’s weird that I don’t have them.
:Well, maybe better luck next time. And Ken, I’ve wanted to ask you, how exactly did you become a meteorologist?
:You really have to ask this over the air?
:Yes
:I went to college. Like most other meteorologist.
:O really. I always thought that you were some bum that sort of just wandered into the station asking for a job and that’s why they gave you the worst job here. Huh. My bad then I guess. Well that wraps up this weeks broadcast. Thanks for watching and have a pleasant….Wait, Jon what are you doing?…No, don’t do this, I mean you have your whole life ahead of you and what about Jane? What would she do with me…with you gone. We can make a deal here can’t we. For goodness sake, we’re on national television right now. You can’t just kill me. O…maybe you can.


"Mr.Hillkilln, What is going on. Before you had stuff that was ok but not funny at all. This had me actually laughing. What did you do?" To all you critics all I have to say is, It's unimaginable how little the amount of drugs you need to tweek out. I recommend 15mls of KFBT. Just be prepared for a fun time.

Bionuclear Mutation.

I just thought these pics were awesome and needed to be shown to the world, so other people could enjoy the pure enjoyment that is created when viewed.

**Forever Young.**

Here is a transcript of a live taping of the hit show "Happy Fun Time Party Jam" on the Dang Huu network.

Hello and welcome to another broadcast of Happy Fun Time Party Jam, where the fun never stops not happening. O and look our first call....5 seconds into the program, alright.

"Hello, O hey Bill". Guess what, on the phone with us right now is my boss Billard Wilkins. "Hm, what’s that Bill?...um what....what would make you ask that silly question. What, no I just don't know anyone who asks those kind of question...to anyone. No sir, I’m not playing dumb with you. What! Isn't your daughter only like 17 or something. 10. O. well, either way she’s still pretty young. NO. C’mon that’s just crazy! Well yeah. That is a pretty good point. Now c'mon, are you really gonna believe what that douche says? O NO. Yeah, I can't really remember what happened to be honest with you. There may have been alcohol there, but who really know. amirite. No I don't know. You can talk about this all day but the fact of the matter is, I did nothing with her and I think you know that. Look Mr. Wilkins, I'm really busy, I gotta go." Sonofabit...."No honey that wasn't your father, now just go back to bed. I'll be there in a minute". O stop crying.

"Um.... Mr. Jellycircus, I've got to admit, that gave me a slight chuckle but, it made me feel really uncomfortable and I don't feel very good after reading it. What did you do to me?" What did I do to you, you ask. How am I suppose to know, I'm not a doctor with some type of fake degree acquired from an unregistered overseas school in Russia because I don't even speak Russian. And to all you critics with your morals and values who say that "this is immoral" and "these aren't very good values". All I have to say is.... I can do worse.

The REAL Essence of Awesome.

One day, on a sunny Saturday night, the koala bear named Frank Ebicanezzer Greenfiled Merryman Joeseph, arrived to his destination of Mapleton, Texas, where his girlfriend, the amazing, Pepper Ann Margaret Thatcher the chipmunk, was waiting on his arrival. However, what she didn't know was..was that Frank had hired a pro hitman to axe Pepper for her insurance for Frank had lost in a game of craps for he is but a Koala.

He needed 140,000.87 in order to survive the gangsta mobsters and to pay for the hitman he had hired. Well, Pepper was watching a new episode of The Office, when she heard a knock at her front door. Of coarse she thought it was Frank. But in fact it was Allen Williams Hitchcock, the hired hitman. However, this was not his first choice as a career. He dreamt of being a vetanarian who took care of children with cancer. But things took a turn for the worst and he ended up a hitman.

Well, she let him in the house being a well devote Jehovah witness and all. He told her that he was a dear friend of Frank and wanted to know if he could stay and wait for him and asked if he could use the bathroom. She said "darn tootin you can use that there lav" Pepper wasn't southern mind you but, the unneccassrily large amount of time watching "Paula's home cooking" on food network, had created one.

In the car, which was located in an abritary unlocated locarion, Frank was calling Allen and asked if he was in position for the operation. When Allen replied with "yes'm" for Allen also enjoyed the culinary excellence of Paula, Frank hung up immediately for he was with a cheap Brazilian hooker named Barberina Gouchen. Her greatest dream was one of happy days and bright sun. But when she decided not to watch Arrested Development which has its Series Finale Friday, Feb 10th on fox, and the fact that she killed a German cop, for Barb was actually German, but with a good tan and magnificent plastic surgery, done by Dr. Anderson who can be found on the corner of 156th and 256 in down town NY, anything is possible.

Well, with being hanged up on so abruptly and feeling flustered, Allen reached the point where he didn't want to go through with the "operation" coded "operation: easy fly through murky days in the waters on Florida". He then remembered why, why he was doing this and that heart worming reason being.....cuz he was a freaking cold blooded killer with a hankerin for killing and a slight attraction to the opposite sex.

Look. I'm running late for a party so, Allen killed pepper, got away with it and then moved to whyoming where he killed himself because of lonliness. All the other characters forgot about everything that happened and lived happily ever after.

"Mr.Sexypants. This is pretty awesome. However it makes no sense" To you skepticss, I say. fibble dibble who whooo nanny foo now give the dog an onion and stop your belly aching on the planet of cratos. Now what doesn't make sense. Choose carefully. I dare you.

The Essence of Awesome

Well folks, this is my very first blog and boy golly is this exciting. Well, right now i'm listening to Bowie and drinking my mocca latte with lite foam and I have my dog, scrappers on my lap and he's chewing his play toy ball. I decided to name him scrappers because I ha.....Wait, this sucks. This isn't awesome at all. "But Mr.Coolness, I thought you said that this is suppose to be all awesome randomness?" I know Tommy, I did say that and thank you for pointing that out. Wait I think i've got it!